The 2009 "Win a Date with Dave" contest

The rules of the game...

*If you're between the ages of 25 and 40 and a single female, please continue reading...

*The first ten people to call my cell phone number...708-932-1299 and leave your name, age, and email address as well as a description of what you consider to be a good date, will be printed out and placed in a fish bowl where my daughter will pick the winner

*This contest is open until 12:00 pm on Friday.

Pick up the phone and start calling. (one call per person please) Estimated value...$125.00.

"Halloween Hijinks Gone Haywire: 'Don't Try This Gag At Home"

"Waste Management vs. Badda Bing Disposal" - Nevermind the egg throwing and shaving cream on the picture window of the crabby lady down the street...pranks on Halloween shouldn't necessarily involve the victim having to endure physical labor to clean up a mess left by some out of control neighborhood kids. This prank was planned in 2007. It was never put into action...yet. It involves careful planning and not done properly, may result in a bad outcome for people involved. I would rank this as an "8" out of ten on my "Danger Scale" as this is not a good choice for a beginner!

* Depending on where you live and who collects your trash, we've all experienced the racket that comes with sanitation pickup at odd hours. Nobody wants to be awaken at 3 A.M. on a Sunday going into Monday with the clinging and clanging of garbage cans and assorted noises coming off the truck. If you think these guys care about you getting rest before you start your week, it ain't gonna happen. Here's a list of what you'll need to get started, and the cost is less than $15!

1. Any unwanted clothing, rags or stuffing to fill a pair of pants and shirt. Stuff jeans and an old sweatshirt with enough filling to make it look like a body.
2. A styrofoam head or mask, a wig and perhaps a hat will complete the wardrobe of the "victim"
3. A trip to the store for two things: Karo corn syrup and Grenadine (usually found near martini and other drink mixes.)
4. Mix them together. There is no exact amount or recipe however, this is what is used in special effects for horror films as blood so, make it look real.
5. An old steak or butcher knife and a dish towel. Take the dish towel, dip it in the blood mix and wrap around the handle of the knife while inserting it somewhere on the "body".
6. Travel about a block or two away to an alley with an empty garbage can. Put the dummy inside and turn the can sideways while pouring what is left of the fake blood near the "victim".

These guys are always in a hurry to get the job done and move on. Position youself out of eyesight if you wish to tape this because they may not even notice what's going on. More than likely they will dump out the contents, continue on to the next house and someone will finally realize what was dumped in the truck. Either one of two things will happen....the guys will know it was a gag or the area will become a crime scene for a half an hour until the cops realize it wasn't a real murder victim afterall. The best result of a gag like this is cardiac arrest or an early retirement for the person who comes across what appears to have been a homicide.

I will attempt to go through with this prank again by Oct. 31st. The entire thing will be posted on "YouTube" when finished...

"What? Another week?"

"Thanks for your help, Oprah!" -Someone, somewhere, remains convinced for some reason or another that Oprah Winfrey's input on ANYTHING in the world has the ability to change the outcome of... future events...such is the case with the International Olympic Commitee possibly choosing Chicago as host of the 2016 Olympics. Oprah decided it was a good idea to book a flight with Mayor Daley and Michelle Obama on their trip to Denmark next week. Neither of the two extended her an invitation to join them but she's tagging along anyway. Isn't being a "Goodwill Ambassador" a job best left for a say, Joe Biden? I don't recall seeing Oprah's name on any ballot last November so, who slipped her in to the Obama Administration? By the way, a "Yo Yo Dieter" pitching the Olympics is more of a hinder than a help!

* "Oprah's Book Flub" - Former child star, Mackenzie Phillips made her way through an entire box of Kleenex while talking about her new book that among other things, alleges incest by her late father... It was just last week that I was thinking to myself, "I wonder what ever happened to Mackenzie Phillips??" Now I know. Thanks for clearing that up, Oprah!

* "No peppermint left on the pillow?" - For the first time in over 40 years, Libyan leader Moamer Kadhafi visited the United States to address the United Nations. In a 90 minute nonsensical ramble, he covered a number of topics from nuclear war to The Three Stooges and his anger at having to wake up to an alarm clock considering he hates mornings. Nevermind all the problems we once had with Libya...he proved this week that he's just like most of us, envious to stay overnight in a Donald Trump property however, all he can afford is staying in his backyard with an Army tent and a campfire cooking franks n' beans.

* "What happened to Vanna?" Late, Great, Newsmen Edward R. Murrow and Walter Cronkite must have been spinning in their graves when CNN's Wolf Blitzer appeared on a taping of game show, "Jeopardy" only to make a horse's ass out of himself with his stupidity. In his responses, he proved that either he's been getting all his knowledge of news and current events handed to him on a script or teleprompter all these years or perhaps Alex Trebek was filling in for Jeff Foxworthy on "5th Grader". By the way Wolf, JFK never lost the 1970's Presidential race to Jimmy Carter...he was in fact, killed nearly 15 years earlier!Read More

"The Last Week of Summer 2009"

** THE THINGS I'VE LEARNED THIS WEEK **

* Santa Claus got to work early this year by going through his "Naughty and Nice" list and sorting out all the bad apples. Chicago sports fans awoke on Monday morning only to discover the beloved Chicago Bears have gotten a big lump of coal in the form of, Jay Cutler. After an "em-BEAR-assing" loss to Greenbay on Sunday, it's too bad that Santa Claus, Indiana has a "no return" policy on Christmas gifts!
* Never invest money in any "official" Chicago Bears NFL gear with a name and number until the end of the season!
* Kanye West's outrageous behavior became a hot topic around water coolers this week after his rude remarks at last Sunday's MTV Video Music Awards. Many people including, President Obama were shocked and surprised. What shocks and surprises me the most is not what Kanye West did however, the fact that MTV still manages to host Video Music Awards regardless of the fact that I haven't seen a single music video played on any of their four channels since 1990!
* DVD's can be a good investment if you happen to purchase the right movie title. A brand new copy of "Dirty Dancing" left on a coffee table when a first date stops in to see your place, shows off your "sensative" side and gives you bonus points to use to your advantage later!
Happy Friday!

"Videogame Manufacterer Hit Sour Note With Latest Release"

"Let it Be... Let it Be..."


It's that time of year again when updated versions of videogame favorites hit the store shelves. Among these are of course, the ones that take gamers into the alternate world of virtual reality. With this in mind, the floodgates have been opened for the release several bundles of software associated with the "Rock Band" franchise. In it's humble beginnings, kids and their Dads had to settle on a small variety of titles that were released one at a time and rather "generic". Popularity of this concept, began to soar into a marketing blitz that currently rakes in the majority of the kids allowence money in sales receipts.

As time rolls on, the pretend world of getting on stage and trying your luck as a rock star has expanded into entire store aisles full of all genres of music. I guess I shouldn't had been as surprised as I was when I discovered The Beatles would also be entered into the virtual world of gaming. It was a bold move on someone's behalf and a marketing strategy that is probably resulting in the late, John Lennon and George Harrison spinning in their graves. Wrapped into an already mysterious mix of circumstances is that all of this should surface within the recent months following Michael Jackson's death. Jackson claimed ownership of the majority of The Beatles music catalogue and tightly kept everything away from the surviving Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr.

The game was loaded into XBOX and PLAYSTATION 3 consoles at Best Buy on the release day as crowds gathered around. Personally, I wasn't too impressed by what I saw. It was more or less a cut above The Beatles cartoons of the 1960's that were produced by the same folks who gave us Rocky and Bullwinkle. For an investment under a hundred bucks, you get the game and a cheap knock-off of a Beatles classic guitar as you make your way through rehearsals. Just as AC/DC used their version of the game to release a new album of material that goes along with it, this offering is no different as the entire Beatles catalogue was remastered and re-released for the billionth time to iclude bonus material and DVD snippets of the boys in the studio putting the various albums together.

These gamemakers are getting careless and greedy by pumping these games out faster than a nickel jackpot from a slot machine win. In this particular case, a group of twenty something kids stumbled upon a hidden character which may have or may not have been intentional...as The Beatles perform in the area of the game which is supposed to be their American debut on "The Ed Sullivan Show", it was rather surprising to see them being joined onstage by Marilyn Manson. Be careful before you invest in this one, kids! Meanwhile, a call was placed to the company regarding this "glitch" however, all calls went unanswered.

9/11: Truth Revealed!

Disclaimer: The following account is a compilation taken from various sources found on the Internet. Conspiracy theories will long be associated with the events of that day. None of the views or theories expressed here represent the opinions of this author as there is no founded crediblity accurate thus far...

September 11th 2001
“United States secrets revealed”

September 11th, 2001 is a day that every single American shall recall for a lifetime. While “Anti American” hate groups have threatened security and everyday life for decades, the central focus at the beginning of the 21st Century has been on the Middle East and all it’s efforts to terrorize Americans with their arsenal of weapons, and explosives to hinder and prevent the idealism of Democracy throughout the world.

The 1980’s first introduced America to a Middle Eastern radical by the name of, Osama Bin Laden. Bin Laden’s hate for the free world would blossom into many facets of terrorist organizations however, at the top of the list would be a well organized group, a foundation known as “The Taliban”. The organization’s initial motive was to make a name for themselves on American soil. Several bombings against U.S. landmarks had soon escalated across the globe with force against various U.S. Operatives.

In 2000, the American currency was growing weak, unemployment was increasing, and the free world began to feel the effects of a scenario that spelled disaster. On this upcoming Anniversary of 9/11, fully relying on information compiled from approximately ten search engines, the truth can now be told about the actual events of the tragic day and who is to blame… The Oval Office.



Immediately after taking Presidency, George W. Bush and the C.I.A. opened an emergency reserve of currency totaling five billion dollars to be used in times of crisis. The money was secretly siphoned into the financial interests of terrorism efforts led by Bin Laden to take the focus off the upcoming economic demise impending the United States. With the support of Vice President, Dick Cheney and Economic/Environmental Advisor, Van Jones a stipulation was added to Bin Laden’s financial windfall… He would organize an extravagant plan of terror on U.S. soil and be guaranteed a lifetime of immunity, Internationally.




On that tragic morning in 2001, it was believed that two 747 passenger planes had slammed into the New York’s World Trade Center. As events transpired, witnesses claimed to have seen the disaster as it happened. In never before released records from that morning, the Federal Aviation Authority has confirmed that the area surrounding the twin towers was closed to airline traffic. In fact, in a secret congressional investigation, there is no record or documentation of either flight taking place. The flight numbers remain unidentified and thus, bogus.

According to documentation compiled from Internet information, Bin Laden’s plan of terror began with simple web searches and raw materials/ chemicals purchased discreetly. Several chemical components were blended together in a recipe as simple as making brownies. These were packed into a box and shipped to an intern on the 48th floor of tower 1. In an office space filled with sunlight, the heat was the trigger to ignite the package. Forensic experts and planners involved in the early 1970’s construction of the landmark all agree that 9/11 was done internally. Bits and pieces recovered afterwards indicate bending and twisting of iron steel that could only originate from an internal source and not from an outside impact. The U.S. policy on transparency in government and the Freedom of Information Act have made an amendment to exclude the 9/11 files from inquiries by the government and the general public for 50 years. The events of that September morning have indeed taken the focus off the impending, upcoming Recession which we continue to deal with. The lives lost on that day were very real however, the men responsible: George Bush, Dick Cheney and Van Jones are still able to sleep at night regardless of the fact that national security was violated while Bin Laden’ was awarded with a guarantee of lifetime immunity and finances. President Obama was briefed on these issues in February…Due to National Security, the current Administration declines to comment.

Several months prior to that day, a tope secret congessional meeting was held below grounds in an "off limits" mountainside, owned by the government in Roswell, NM... In a heavily guarded military operation encompassing a circumference of 180 miles, XXXXX XXXX XXXX XXXX XX XXXX XXX XXXXXXXXX DOCUMENTATION PROTECTED TEXT FROM C.IA. XXXX XXXXXX XXXXX XXXXX XXXXX XXXXX originally was told to ignore the warnings and XXX XXXXX XXXX XXXXX by mid afternoon the following day. It seems as though an error in poor judgement XXX XXXXXXXXX XXX XXX XXXX DOCUMENTATION PROTECTED TEXT FROM C.I.A.

In any event, let us remember the day by displaying the flag.

"Clunker Gets Flushed"

TODAY'S HOT BUTTON: "The FINAL word on an expiring government giveaway program". Today marks the conclusion of D.C.'s ambitious adventure into the uncertain waters of selling new cars. At the end of the day, President Obama's canary-yellow leisure suit comes off, while the giant inflatable gorilla on the White House lawn gets deflated...the sale is over. To many new car dealerships and automalls, these past few weeks have been a mixed blessing. While inventory on lots have been drastically reduced, on average, many dealers are now stuck waiting for their promised repayment from Washington, now issued in the form of I.O.U.'s. Disgusted by all the red tape and nine pages of paperwork and legal mumbo jumbo, many big name dealerships had already begun stopping the "Cash for Clunkers" program a week or two ago. This afternoon, the last minute stragglers are walking across lots trying to make a deal and dealers don't know what to do to keep crowds of would be buyers quiet until the clock strikes five. As far as I'm concerned, the consumers are in the right here and still have until five this afternoon to get that 2010 Chevy Camaro they've been wanting. Hell, we all could use a new car regardless of the contradictions like purchasing something that we can't afford with a credit card...Isn't spending beyond our means what got us in this "Recession" in the first place? If the President isn't too worried ro take his family on vacation to Martha's Vineyard for a seven night stay at a rental property costing $35,000 a week, my advice is to go to the GM dealer...you still have a few hours left. Follow by example. Afterall, if you can't afford it today, your kids can pay the tab long after you're gone! Happy motoring!